12.31.2010

This is Not a New Year's Post

I haven't read much of what I wrote in those early days in the hospital back in November. I didn't want to think back to those days, when the future was bleak, and I could barely imagine what would be possible past the next day. Even though I was witness to two amazing miracles given my son during his two surgeries, and even more blessings given by family members, I somehow chose to ignore those happy parts. Yes, I talked about them, but at that time it was all I could do to breathe, and take care of Mason in his fragile state.

It's hard to describe what I felt; being so thankful for things, big and small, yet unable to make myself function to give proper thanks. Yet I still feel like that, unable to let myself do anything other than take Mason to doctor appointments, and come home. Anything past that is hard, therefore anything past that is unnecessary. I've closed myself off to the world, and chosen to only focus on things as they come. I've let a lot of things slip lately, and it's hard to know where to pick them back up. I'm not sure I even want to.

This week, I began letting myself read those things I wrote in the very beginning...and I can't believe it was me that wrote some of that stuff! It was hard to read what Mason and I have gone through, told in my own startlingly personal words. I felt my heart breaking all over again as I relived that morning before his first surgery, and had to remind myself to take deep breaths. Some of it still seems like it happened to some other mom; some other boy. Surely my sweet little boy didn't have to go through all that...right?

But in the end I know it's true, and he has gone through many hard things in just two months. It seems so long ago that we were in the hospital. It seemed like we were in there for months, yet I was honestly surprised to realize that it had only been two weeks. Two life-changing weeks.

Mason has been such a strong little boy these two months, and I am glad...but for selfish reasons. Because if he wasn't so strong, I'm not sure I would be able to help him at all. Like I said, I've closed myself off to the world, and sometimes that includes Mason. I feel terrible, but I know it's a survival instinct; one I am very good at bringing out.

Less feelings=less heartache. Survival 101.

I know this is all just a stage I'm going through; I've read everything there is to read about caregiver burnout, and I realize this morning that that's what this is. It doesn't happen when Mason needs something like going to an appointment, or needing a drink thickened. It's when he is perfectly happy and content, that it comes on, and I shut myself out. But someday I'll be able to feel again without being afraid of the next heartache, or the next medical scare.

I don't know where I was going with this, exactly. It started as a post about what I'm grateful for, and took a turn for the worst. Sometimes my hands take over and type what's truly in my mind. Sometimes I just need to type it all out and I feel better. We'll see.

2 comments:

  1. Pene you are a choice person! The Lord is certainly watching over you and Mason and those who help with his medical needs. I can relate to care giver burn out. I had weeks go by with little sleep and still had 5 other children to care for. I look back on those days and wonder how I survived. I know the feeling of ..listening for breathing...watching her chest rise and fall, is she going to wake up...will this never end..and so on.

    Young people shouldn't have to go through what you are going through. On the other hand, being young is good. You have courage and a fighting spirit on your side. You'll fight to protect. One thing for sure, God carries us through or trials. When I was going through those dark days I had a framed poem on the wall, 'Footprints' and I know the Lord carried me through those days just as He is carrying you. I like the saying..'look up' because that's where your strength comes from, our redeeming Savior. You are remarkable Pene. Never give up, keep the Lord on your side. He knows everything. I'm so thankful He is there for me every single day and He is there for you too! ♥ Keep writing, it's good therapy and good journaling. It will bless not only yourself and your family but others too. You give strength to others. ♥

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  2. I can't begin to tell you how much your comments help me! You always seem to say the perfect thing, something that makes me stop and think, and then feel better. Thank you! I had forgotten about that Footprints poem, but I do really like it and decided to read it again. It really helped!

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